How Do You Know?

I was an only child for much of my childhood. I gained two step siblings when my Dad remarried shortly before I turned 14. Many rainy days, or nights when it got too dark, I sat at home without a playmate. I knew that I wanted multiple children, more than two, even. Three, even though it has been my lucky number, didn’t seem right, because I worried about a middle child becoming a typical middle child. Four always seemed right. As it is known, I have my three wonderful children. I’ve been debating, for years, a fourth. My husband is most definitely not on bored. I’m a high risk pregnancy. After my daughter was born, I had seizures. While I was pregnant with my older son, I had seizures. With our youngest, I had seizures during the pregnancy, and after birth. Not to mention preterm labor, chest pains and heart palpitations, gestational diabetes and two babies coming early. He fears more complications, or worse, and I won’t lie, I hate seizures. They suck. They hurt. I basically need a caregiver until they pass. So I’ve been on the fence, and back and forth. It’s not been made easier by the fact that Ziggy has continuously asked for a baby. My daughter keeps telling me she misses babies. The only one who is completely against the idea of anymore siblings, is my middle. He is adamant that he doesn’t want to have to deal with anymore siblings, and doesn’t want to have to share anything. (He’s truly not a selfish child, but he is a middle. The youngest is the baby, and acts up and gets attention, even if it’s negative. My oldest is a teen, and has had some issues. My middle is a dream, but often just drifts into the background. He’s not neglected, by any means. He’s just happy to chill. This is my confession, and I’m working so hard on equalizing everything.)
I was lying in bed, thinking about the whole biological clock thing, and the fact that I’m forty. I crunched some numbers, and realized that I’m getting old. Maybe too old to do this again… I know, women have babies in their 40’s. My Gram was in her 40’s when she got pregnant with my Dad. But is it for me? I admire Moms who can do it, but I’m not too sure I could. I’ve had difficulties getting pregnant in the past, and I have a bad ovary, so it could take a long time. I could be pushing 60 while having a high schooler. I’m tired now. I can’t imagine that getting much better.
Not to mention, that as I’ve mentioned, my husband isn’t exactly on board, and you need two to tango, and whatnot.

That being said, I think I really may be done. I’m not sure I can do it again. I am heartbroken that I won’t feel another baby move within me. I’m sad that I won’t nurse another baby in the late night hours as everyone else slumbers. I have three beautiful blessings, and I am truly grateful for them, and appreciate them more than anything.

Although who knows, my moods and ideas change frequently, so maybe in a couple months I’ll have a change of heart!

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