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Anxiety

Hi, my name is Judy, and I suffer from anxiety.

I remember when I was really young, maybe 7 or 8 years old, having a weird dizzy feeling, on occasion if I were in a really busy place, like Christmas shopping with my parents. They became more frequent after my Mom passed away. When I was forced to see a therapist, I remember sitting there, staring at a painting on the wall that was of a window, because it was a windowless room, just staring at it. I’d feel dizzy, and I would get tunnel-vision. I wasn’t overly concerned about passing out, because I knew that if I did, it would get me out of having to talk to a stranger that I didn’t like about something that I didn’t want to talk about.
They passed until I was a senior in high school. For some reason, they were a frequent occurrence in my english class, so much so that I had permission from the teacher and principal to leave class as I needed.
In college they weren’t too bad, but they made an appearance again after I’d moved to Florida.

Lately I think I’ve noticed a hormonal connection. I’m not on medication, because for the most part, I am able to deal with them quite well. Normally, when I feel an anxiety attack building, I am able to pinpoint the cause, or realize it’s hormonal and talk myself down, not to mention that it’s not really all that frequent anymore.

It does suck though when I get hit with a particularly bad spell, and I’m in a near-constant state of full blown panic attacks, and I am unable to pull myself out. I feel like I’m in such a deep dark pit, and it feels never ending. I try to rationalize, and I try to convince myself that it will end, but I can’t seem to stop the anxiety. It brings such a sense of doom, and hopelessness. When it gets bad, the depression that accompanies it horrible.
I get so shaky, and nervous. My heart feels like it’s going to pound out of my chest. I get very irritable as I try to handle it. I get dizzy as blackness swims before my eyes and I fear it will never end.
I do reach a point of considering going to see a doctor, but that’s usually when it lifts. I just really hate the side effects of medications, I have been on a number of them before, and actually, my seizure medication is supposed to help with this also, so I don’t know why it still happens from time to time.

Why am I sharing this? I have no idea. Maybe other moms can relate. Maybe someone else will read this and realize that they’re not alone, and they aren’t going crazy. Anxiety and depression are a horrible combination. If you are suffering with either one, or both, know that you are not alone.

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2 thoughts on “Anxiety

  1. Girl! I totally know what you are saying in this whole post. It`s like it came from my brain! I always noticed my attacks were at their absolute worst the week before my period. I felt exactly what you said – the deep depression, hopelessness. It used to make me cut, though thankfully that was a short-lived phase!

    Just like you, I was reluctant to go to the doctor because for the most part, you can just deal with it. And you always hear about the terrible side effects of the meds. But recently it got to the point where I would just seem to be in a constant state of mild panic all day, so I forced myself to go. I was prescribed some mild meds – plus, I cut them in half. I feel SO much better though. I haven`t experienced any real side effects, that I can see.

    Anxiety / depression is definitely one of those things that you just do not understand if you don`t have it (“just be happy!” is my most hated line ever, haha), so thank you for sharing! It`s so good to not feel alone. ♥

    • Thank you! Seriously, it’s so nice to hear from someone to know that I’m not alone in this.

      I am going to see someone about it, because it’s just getting ridiculous already.

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